The Beginner’s Guide To Buying The Purrrrfect Sex Toy

You need to know your vibe (Literally)

Before we dive into all the fun stuff like speed settings and fancy features, let's get real about what you actually want. Think of this like dating—you need to know what you're into before you can find your perfect match (only this one will never, ever disappoint).
Take some time to figure out what feels good. Are you someone who likes gentle touches, or do you need something with more oomph to get the job done? This goes for everything from shoulder tension in the streets to sexual tension between the sheets.

What’s my vibe?

Love clitoral action? Grab a bullet or wand vibrator. These little powerhouses are the sports cars of external stimulation.

All about that penetration life? Go for something designed for internal adventures, like a G-spot vibrator. Your future self will send thank-you notes.

Why choose when you can have both? Rabbit-style vibrators are like the Swiss Army knife of pleasure—they multitask so you don't have to.

Miss the magic of oral? Suction toys have entered the chat, and they're here to blow your mind (pun intended).

Shopping for two? Vibrating cock rings are your friend. Pick one with those cute little rabbit ears for bonus clitoral action, because teamwork makes the dream work.

Pro Tip: This isn't a one-and-done purchase. Think of it as building your personal pleasure library—you wouldn't read just one book forever, would you?

External Massagers

If external stimulation is your jam, bullet massagers are about to become your ride-or-die companions. These pocket-sized powerhouses don't need a PhD to operate and can zero in on exactly where you need them most. Whether that's a stubborn shoulder knot or somewhere that didn't make it into your anatomy textbook.

Wand massagers are the overachievers who graduated with honours from massage school. Bigger, stronger, and built for people who don't believe in half-measures. They deliver those deep, rumbly vibrations that make your hands feel like they've been phoning it in this whole time. Basically, the Tesla of the massage world.

Pro Tip: Don't get fooled by size—motor quality is where the magic happens. Some tiny devices pack more concentrated power than things twice their size. It's all about the engineering, not the ego.

Internal Massagers

Curious about going deeper? G-spot massagers come with that perfect curve designed to hit spots your fingers could only dream of reaching. These aren't just random swoopy shapes—they're anatomically engineered to work with your body instead of playing hide-and-seek with your pleasure zones.

Rabbit-style massagers are the ultimate multitaskers who refuse to make you pick sides. Internal and external actions happen simultaneously, like having a partner who never gets distracted by their phone or suddenly remembers they have to check the score.

Pro Tip: Start simple and level up gradually. There's zero shame in mastering the basics first—you learn to make toast before attempting soufflé, right?

Suction Massagers 

These have blown up recently, and the hype? Totally deserved. Air pulse technology creates sensations that are nothing like traditional buzzing—think gentle breeze instead of a jackhammer. They're efficient, effective, and perfect for when you want results without committing to a three-hour expedition.

Pro Tip: These work way faster than their vibrating cousins, so don't panic if things escalate quickly. Sometimes, express delivery is exactly what you ordered.

Six features that matter while buying a massager ( seriously)

1. Dimensions

Those online photos lie harder than a politician during election season. Check the actual measurements, because "discreet" might mean "basically invisible" or "requires its own suitcase." And honestly? If the design makes you want to hide it in shame, you probably won't use it. Get something that doesn't make you cringe every time you see it.

2. Materials

Silicone is the gold standard here—it feels like heaven and won't slowly poison you. If it smells like a tire factory or feels like it came from a sketchy basement operation, run. Your body isn't a testing ground for mystery chemicals.

3. Power and Customization

Multiple speeds and patterns aren't just fancy marketing—they're genuinely useful. Look for intuitive controls and enough variety to keep things interesting. Always choose rechargeable over battery-powered because nobody wants their session interrupted by a dying battery (only worse than a dying conversation on a date).

4. Tech Integration

App controls and remote features sound ridiculous until you realize they're genius, especially for long-distance situations or when you want to get creative. Welcome to living in the future.

5. Discretion features

If you've got roommates, paper-thin walls, or that one judgy aunty next door who listens to everything, noise levels matter. And travel locks? Absolute lifesaver if you don't want to explain yourself at airport security. Trust me on this one.

6. Easy to maintain

Get something easy to clean and store. Waterproof beats water-resistant every time, and simple storage keeps everything ready to go without turning into a whole production. Because let's be real—if cleaning your massager requires more steps than your twelve-step skincare routine, you're doing it wrong.

Pro Tip: Invest in quality from day one. Cheap massagers often break quickly, sound like construction equipment, and usually fail to deliver. Consider this an investment in your long-term happiness (the only short-term thing you deserve in life is stress, babygirl).

How to clean your massager (Because nobody wants infections)

Taking care of your massager isn't rocket science, but doing it right makes all the difference between years of reliable service and expensive replacements:

• Clean like your life depends on it: Before and after every single session. Yes, every time. I don't care how tired you are.
• Use the right stuff: Grab some proper toy cleaner or just go old-school with mild soap and warm water. Your bathroom cabinet has everything you need.
• Don't drown the poor thing: Keep water far, far away from charging ports and battery bits. This is how good massagers go to die, and frankly, it's a tragic waste.
• Let it dry: Leaving it damp is like sending out party invitations to bacteria. And trust me, these are not the kind of guests you want showing up uninvited.
• Give it a proper home: Toss it back in its original box, a silk pouch, or just a clean drawer. Anywhere that's not next to your electric heater, basically.
• Know when to say goodbye: If it's looking rough around the edges or feeling like sandpaper, do yourself a favor and upgrade. Your future self will thank you.
  

Final Pro Tip: Good maintenance extends your toy's lifespan and keeps you healthy. Think of it like changing your sheets—basic hygiene that pays dividends.

The Uncomfortable Truth

Shopping for your first massager should feel empowering, not embarrassing. 

Whether you want therapeutic muscle relief, stress reduction, or mind-blowing intimate experiences, the right device can genuinely transform your quality of life.

Here's what nobody tells you: prioritizing your pleasure in a world that constantly demands you put everyone else first is a radical act of self-care. Your body is yours for life—treat it like the temple it is, figure out what makes it sing, and don't let anyone make you feel weird about pursuing joy.

You could keep settling for whatever mediocre routine you've been using since your awkward teenage years. Or you could upgrade to something that knows what it's doing. The choice is yours, but your future self will thank you for choosing the upgrade.

Pro Tip: Stop overthinking this. Read reviews, trust your instincts, and remember that the best massager is the one you'll use. Your pleasure matters, your comfort matters, and you deserve to feel incredible. 

Now go forth and treat yourself, babygirl—you’ve earned it.

About the author:

Author of the most comprehensive dating guide for gay men, Aniruddha Mahale is a columnist who mines his romantic (mis)adventures to write about modern love, sex, and relationships. With bylines in Buzzfeed, GQ Magazine, Homegrown, and Huffington Post, Mahale is currently working on his third novel (when he’s not working on his macro splits).