How To Get The Best Orgasm Of Your Life (a.k.a why you absolutely need a massager rn)

We live in an age of relentless optimization. And I don’t use the word lightly. We fine-tune our Netflix algorithms, perfect our morning routines, and spend actual brain cells deciding between oat milk and almond milk in our grocery orders. Yet somehow, when it comes to our own pleasure, we're operating like it's still 2003, clinging to the same techniques we stumbled upon during our awkward teenage years.

Here’s a radical thought: you should be your own biggest cheerleader in the bedroom. If you're not actively rooting for your orgasms to be extraordinary, who exactly is going to step up to that role? (Hint: it’s not your last swipe from Tinder.)

Your current routine is probably tragic (and that’s okay)

Most of us learned to masturbate the same way we learned to parallel park—through trial and error, pure stubborn determination, and absolutely zero helpful instruction. We eventually figured out what got us there, developed our signature moves, and called it a day. Mission accomplished (Why hello, Tom Cruise from our wet dreams), case closed.

But here's the thing about settling for "good enough" when it comes to your pleasure: you're essentially choosing the sexual equivalent of dial-up internet when fiber optic is readily available. Just because your current routine works doesn't mean it can't be completely transformed.

Enter: the Massager Revolution

Here's what nobody tells you: your hands have limitations. Shocking, I know. No matter how skilled your fingers are, they can't replicate the consistent pressure, varied patterns, and targeted stimulation that a good massager delivers.

We're talking about devices engineered specifically for pleasure. They don't get tired, they don't cramp up, and they can maintain exactly the right intensity for as long as you need. It's like having a personal trainer for your orgasms.

Why a massager is every single person's best friend

(we take that back, here’s why a massager is every person’s best friend)

Let's be real: massagers might just be the most reliable relationship you'll ever have. They're consistent, they don't have bad days, and they never finish before you do. Here's why your device deserves a permanent spot on your nightstand:

●    It never gets tired or loses interest halfway through: Unlike (terrible) people, your massager maintains the exact same energy and enthusiasm from start to finish. No declining performance, no "my hand is cramping," no sudden shift in technique when you're right on the edge.

●    Zero emotional labor required: No need to worry about their feelings, their day, or whether they're enjoying themselves. Your massager exists solely for your pleasure, which means you can be completely selfish without any guilt.

●    It remembers exactly what you like: Once you find your perfect settings, they stay perfect. No need to give instructions, provide feedback, or guide anyone through what works for your body. It's like having a partner with perfect memory and zero ego.

●    Always available on your schedule:– 2 AM on a Tuesday? Your massager is ready. Had a stressful day and need immediate relief? No negotiation required. It's there when you want it, stored discreetly when you don't.

And before our coupled-up readers start feeling left out, your massager makes the perfect third. It brings skills to the bedroom that human hands simply can't match, turning good partnered sex into the kind of experience that leaves you both wondering why you waited so long to invite it to the party.

1. Find the massager of your dreams

Finding your dream massager is the best shopping experience you'll ever have – one with a guaranteed happy ending. Unlike hunting for jeans that fit, this search actually pays off.

External massagers for women excel at targeted clitoral stimulation with unwavering intensity (We’re looking at you, Pyaari and Bijlee). Internal options provide the deep sensations that make people write poetry about orgasms (or perform magic with our trusted sidekick Jaadugar). Dual-action devices are the overachievers that refuse to make you choose, working multiple areas simultaneously like a genuinely skilled partner who never gets distracted.

Your perfect match – the one that fits your exact preferences and anatomy – is out there waiting to be discovered (or better, just visit our website).

2. Read the instructions (I know, groundbreaking)

I see you there, ready to rip open that package like it's your birthday. Hold up, Usain Bolt. That little booklet isn't just decorative—it's your roadmap to pleasure town.

Every sexual massager comes with instructions for a reason. You wouldn't try to assemble IKEA furniture without the manual (okay, bad example: we all do that and immediately regret it), but you get the point. Five minutes of reading could save you from accidentally launching your new toy across the room or, worse, breaking it before you even get to the good stuff.

3. Don’t forget the foreplay (Especially if you’re solo)

Ambiance matters, even when you're flying solo. You wouldn't show up to a date in terrible lighting wearing week-old underwear, so why treat yourself any worse?

Create an environment that makes you feel relaxed and turned on. Dim the lights, put on music that makes you feel sexy, and hide your phone somewhere you can't see it. This is your time, and it deserves to feel special. You’ve earned it.

Start with some foreplay: touch yourself all over, tease a little, build that anticipation. Your new toy isn't going anywhere (like that date that ghosted you after three dates), but taking time to get properly aroused will make everything feel better.

4. Use lube. Lots of lube (Even if there is no penetration)

This is where a lot of people mess up. They think because they're not going internal, they can skip the lube. Wrong. So very wrong.

Sexual massagers can generate heat and friction that'll leave you feeling like you just had an unfortunate encounter with…sandpaper. Plus, proper lubrication means better sensation and less chance of irritation. It's literally a win-win situation.

Water-based lubes are your safest bet—they play nice with most toys and won't turn your expensive massager into an expensive paperweight. Silicone toys and silicone lube are like oil and water, except instead of just not mixing, they actively hate each other and will destroy each other on contact.

5. Work with what you know (then branch out)

Start with familiar territory. If you usually prefer gentle pressure, begin there with your new toy. If you're more of a "go hard or go home" type, lean into that energy. Your massage toy is here to enhance what already works, not completely revolutionize your entire approach (though it might accidentally do that anyway).

Once you've got the basics down, that's when the real fun begins. Experiment with different patterns, intensities, and positions. This is your time to be a sexy scientist (sorry, outfits not included), testing hypotheses and taking very (more than very) thorough notes.

6. Start off slow (speed settings exist for a reason)

Just because your new sexual massager has a "rocket ship to Mars" setting doesn't mean you need to start there. Think of it like learning to drive—you didn't start on the highway doing 130 kmph (hopefully).

Work your way up through the settings. You might discover that the gentle pulse pattern on level three is your sweet spot, or maybe you are built for that intense, mind-melting highest setting. There's no wrong answer here, only delicious joy.

7. Experiment (if things get overwhelming)

Some of us are blessed (cursed?) with extra sensitivity. If even the lowest setting on your sexual massager feels like too much, don't panic and don't give up. Keep your underwear on, throw a thin towel in between, or try using it over clothing first.

You're not broken, you don't have a low tolerance—you just need to ease into things. Think of it like adjusting to a new pair of contacts. Everything's going to feel intense at first, but your body will adapt.

And boy, will it thank you.

8. Don’t forget to use a condom (safety first, orgasms second)

If you're sharing toys with a lover, remember that condoms aren't just for penises anymore. Wrap that massager up to prevent any unwanted bacterial transfers (or bodily fluids) that could turn your pleasure session into a doctor's visit.

This is especially important if you're exploring both internal and external use in the same session. Nobody wants a UTI as a souvenir from their solo adventures. More orgasms, on the other hand? Always.

9. Clean your toys like your health depends on it (for real)

I know, I know; cleaning up after the fun part is nobody's favorite activity. But keeping your massage toy clean isn't just about being responsible; it's about ensuring many more amazing sessions in the future.

Germs (and bacteria) don't care if you're the only one using your toys. They'll happily set up shop and cause problems regardless. A quick wash with toy cleaner or mild soap after each use is a small price to pay for continued good times (and no visits to the dermatologist).

10. Do exactly what feels right to you.

There's something beautifully subversive about prioritizing your pleasure in a world that constantly tells us to put everyone else first. Masturbation isn't just about getting off—it's about claiming your right to joy, exploring what makes your body sing, and becoming fluent in your desires. But if you're still using the same techniques from your awkward teenager phase, you're not giving yourself the encore performance you deserve.

The Bottom Line

Look, you could keep doing what you've always done and probably be fine. But "fine" is not the goal here. The goal is mind-blowing, sheet-gripping, "holy shit where did that come from" levels of satisfaction.

Your sexual massager isn't just a toy—it's an investment in your happiness, your stress relief, and your general quality of life. In a world that's constantly trying to make us feel bad about enjoying ourselves, choosing pleasure is actually a radical act of self-care.

So go ahead, upgrade your solo game. Your future self (and your stress levels) will thank you. And who knows? You might discover that all this time, you've been driving a Maruti Suzuki when you could have been flying a private jet. Your orgasms are about to get a serious upgrade.

And honestly, it's about time!

About the author:

Aniruddha Mahale is an author and columnist who mines his romantic (mis)adventures to write about modern love, sex, and relationships. With bylines in Buzzfeed, GQ Magazine, Homegrown and Huffington Post, Mahale is currently working on his third novel.