9 Hot Ways to Drive Your Partner Wild Without Doing the Obvious Thing

The truth is, sticking to penetration-only lovemaking is like having a fully stocked spice rack and only using salt. It's time to get adventurous, people. 

Why Non-Penetrative Sex Deserves a Spot in Your Bedroom

Here's a lovely little fun fact: most people with vulvas don't actually orgasm from penetration alone. We're talking about over 70% of women who need clitoral action to reach the finish line. So if you've been wondering why the "standard" approach isn't rocking your world, you're definitely not alone.

But beyond the orgasm stats, there are tons of reasons to explore beyond traditional penetration. Maybe you're dealing with a UTI that makes penetration feel like torture. Maybe you're navigating sexual trauma and need a gentler approach to intimacy. Or perhaps you're just tired of the same routine and want to shake things up.

Non-penetrative play also opens up your dating pool in amazing ways. When you're not limited to specific body parts or abilities, suddenly compatibility becomes about chemistry, creativity, and connection rather than just…plain, old anatomy.

First and Foremost, Ditch the "Foreplay" Mindset

Before we dive into the good stuff, let's kill the word "foreplay" once and for all. This term implies that everything except penetration is just the opening act, and friend, that's not how this works. Every single thing you do that brings pleasure deserves to be considered sex in its own right.

When you stop thinking of these activities as just warm-ups, something magical happens.

The pressure disappears. 

Instead of feeling like you have to commit to a whole Bollywood production every time things get steamy, you can focus on what feels good right now. Think of it as creating your pleasure buffet—no main course required, just a spread of amazing options that'll blow your mind (and yes, lead to some pretty incredible orgasms too).

So let's talk about why you might want to shake up the menu sometimes, plus all the deliciously creative ways to explore intimacy that don't involve the obvious moves. Trust us, your sensual palate is about to get a serious upgrade.

1. Have an extremely steamy makeout session

Remember your first really good kiss? The one that made your knees wobble and your brain short-circuit? That's the energy we're bringing to this. We're talking full-body kissing here-lips that linger, breath that syncs up, hands that find their way to necks and lower backs.

The secret is slowing everything down. Most of us rush through kissing to get to "the main event," but what if the kissing IS the main event? Let your lips explore. Try different pressures. Mix soft pecks with deeper kisses. Use your tongue, but don't go full washing machine-this isn't a race.

2. Put that tongue to work (everywhere)

Your mouth is basically a pleasure powerhouse, and we're not just talking about going down on someone (though that's obviously amazing too). Think about all the sensitive spots on the human body that respond beautifully to warm, wet attention.

For vulva-owners, there's so much more than just the clitoris. Try tracing your tongue along the inner thighs, the hip bones, even the lower belly. When you do focus on the genital area, experiment with different patterns-figure-eights, gentle flicks, or that barely-there teasing that makes people lose their minds.

If you're working with a penis, expand beyond the obvious. The perineum (that spot between the genitals and the butthole) is loaded with nerve endings. Light licks along the inner thighs, gentle kisses on the hip bones, or even some attention to the often-neglected testicles can drive someone wild.

Pro Tip:  Ice water before using your mouth = instant temperature magic. It's like having superpowers, except way more fun and significantly less likely to get you into trouble with Marvel.

3. Get handsy

Digital stimulation isn't just about fingers inside things-it's about using your hands as precision pleasure instruments. For vulvas, try cupping your entire hand and massaging the whole area. It's like a warm, intimate hug that hits all the nerve endings at once.

Or get artistic with it. Use your fingers to trace patterns-circles, figure-eights, or even spell out words on and around the clitoris. Vary your pressure from butterfly-light to firm and see what gets the best reactions.

For the boys, don't just go up and down like you're trying to start a fire. Try twisting motions, using both hands, or focusing on just the head for a while. And please, don't forget about the balls-they're sitting right there being neglected!

4. Get sensual with a massage (toy)

Full-body massage isn't just something you do at fancy spas-it's a legitimate intimate experience when done right. Start with some good massage oil (our watermelon lube works great and smells amazing) and focus on creating long, flowing strokes. You need to get your inner Picasso out and about.

Begin somewhere neutral like the shoulders or back, then slowly work your way toward more sensitive areas. The anticipation of where your hands might go next is half the fun. Don't rush to the obvious spots-spend time on the neck, the inner arms, even the feet if your partner is into that.

When you do start incorporating more erogenous zones, keep the massage mindset. This isn't about quick grabs or rushed touches-it's about worshipping every inch of skin like it's precious. Your precious.

Pro Tip:  Much like our entire catalogue-a body massager or massage toy is basically like having a professional masseuse on speed dial-except way less expensive and infinitely more fun. Your hands will get a break, and your partner will get... well, you know.

5. Explore your power dynamic

Here's where things get really spicy. Power play doesn't require any penetration, but it can make everything feel incredibly intense. We're talking about the psychological turn-on of dominance and submission, which can be just as powerful as any physical sensation.

Start simple with some light commands or instructions. Maybe the dominant partner tells the submissive one where to touch, how fast to move, or what position to get into. The key is establishing clear boundaries beforehand-what's hot, what's off-limits, and what your safe words are.

You can incorporate restraints (handcuffs work great for beginners), light impact play like spanking, or even just the mental game of being "controlled" or "in control." Some people can have incredibly intense experiences through power play alone, without anyone's private parts even touching. Mutual masturbation? More like mental masturbation.

Pro Tip:  Think of this like learning to drive-start in the parking lot before you hit the highway. Begin with simple stuff and work your way up. Nobody becomes a power play pro overnight, and that's fine!

6. Grind against your partner

Sometimes the simplest things are the most underrated. Grinding against each other-even fully clothed-can be incredibly hot. There's something primal about the friction, the rhythm, the way you can feel your partner's body responding to yours.

Try it in different positions-sitting on their lap, lying down together, or even standing up against a wall. The clothes add an extra layer of anticipation and tease. You get all the sensation and connection without any of the complications.

Even naked cuddling deserves more credit. Skin-to-skin contact releases oxytocin (yes, the bonding hormone) and can be deeply satisfying on its own. Sometimes the most intimate moments happen when you're just pressed together, breathing in sync, feeling completely-are we lead characters in a movie-connected.

Pro Tip:  Find your rhythm and stick with it like you're the world's most sensual metronome. Consistency is key here—think less frantic dance party, more sultry slow jam.

7. Spruce up shower time 

Forget everything you've seen in movies about shower sex-most of it is impractical and potentially dangerous. But that doesn't mean the shower can't be incredibly erotic. Water, steam, and soap create this sensual environment that's perfect for non-penetrative play.

Focus on washing each other slowly and deliberately. Let your hands linger on every curve and muscle. The warm water relaxes everything, making every touch feel more intense. Plus, you're already naked and wet, which eliminates any awkward transition moments.

Make out under the stream like you're in your romantic movie. The sensation of warm water cascading over you while you're kissing is surprisingly intense.

8. Bring in the sexual massagers (No insertion required)

The sex toy world has evolved way beyond what needs to go inside anything. External vibrators are having a major moment, and for good reason-they're incredibly effective and way more versatile than most people realize.

Clitoral suction toys, wand vibrators, and bullet vibes can all provide intense pleasure without any penetration (our lipstick is for all kinds of lips). But don't limit them to just genitals-these toys can feel amazing on nipples, inner thighs, or anywhere else that responds to vibration.

A massager for men can be equally game-changing, providing sensations that hands alone can't replicate. The key is experimentation-try different speeds, patterns, and pressures to find what works best.

Pro Tip:  Start with beginner-friendly options before you go full power tool mode. It's like spicy food-work your way up to the Bhut Jolokia level, or you might get more intensity than you bargained for.

9. Try mutual masturbation 

There's something incredibly intimate about pleasuring yourself while your partner watches-and vice versa. It's vulnerable, educational, and surprisingly hot all at once. Plus, you get to learn exactly how your partner likes to be touched, which is invaluable information for future encounters.

You can do this in person or over video calls (hello, long-distance relationships!). The key is making it about connection, not just performance. Watch each other's reactions, make eye contact, and don't be afraid to give some verbal encouragement.

This works whether you're using hands, toys, or a combination of both. It's also a great way to incorporate a body massager if one or both of you are curious about trying one.

Pro Tip:  This isn't a performance review at work-authenticity is way hotter than any choreographed routine. Just be yourself and enjoy the VIP viewing experience you're giving each other.

The Bottom Line

Here's what I want you to take away from all this: there's no such thing as "real" sex versus "fake" sex. There's just sex-and it comes in about a million different, equally valid forms. Whether you're incorporating these ideas into partnered play or exploring them solo, the goal is pleasure, connection, and fun.

Your desires are valid. Your language around intimacy is valid. Your preferences are valid. This is supposed to be a safe space where everyone gets to explore what brings them joy, without judgment or pressure to fit into someone else's definition of what intercourse "should" look like.

So go forth and experiment. Try the things that spark your curiosity. Skip the ones that don't appeal to you. And remember-the best between-the-sheets action happens when you're present, communicating, and focused on pleasure rather than performance. 

Now, that's a recipe for some seriously hot times.

About the author:

Author of the most comprehensive dating guide for gay men, Aniruddha Mahale is a columnist who mines his romantic (mis)adventures to write about modern love, sex, and relationships. With bylines in Buzzfeed, GQ Magazine, Homegrown, and Huffington Post, Mahale is currently working on his third novel (when he’s not working on his macro splits).