How to Talk Dirty Without Dying of Embarrassment

The First Timer’s Guide to Not Sounding Like a Porn Parody In The Bedroom

We’ve all been there. You're mid-makeout, feeling all the right things, doing all the right things, even touching all the right things, when suddenly you want to whisper something spicy in your partner's ear. Instead of channeling your inner seductress, you freeze up like a deer in headlights. 

Congrats, you've joined the club of people who want to talk dirty but feel like they're auditioning for the world's most awkward porno. Sigh, if only reaching an orgasm were so easy.

You know it.

You’ve lived it.

Peace be with you, babygirls: getting comfortable with dirty talk is like learning any language-it takes practice, and you need to develop your own style. The good news? Learning to say naughty things with confidence is actually fun. 

You're about to discover how to sound like a professional dirty talker natural conversationalist in bed without wanting to hide under the covers afterward. 

1. Get Some Inspiration (The Spicy Kind)

If you're a total dirty talk noob, expose yourself to this language in action. Read erotica. Scour the internet for some good ol’ smut. Kick back the covers with your mum’s old copy of Mills & Boons (you know she has it) . Ready your arsenal with all the tricks the world has to throw at you. You're not memorizing lines—you're getting a sense of how dirty talk flows, from tone to timing.

Think of it as building your toolkit. Pay attention to the rhythm and flow, not just the words. Good dirty talk has a natural beat that builds tension and keeps things interesting.  It’s science, baby.

2. Practice Solo (Yes, Really)

Saying dirty things to a partner without having ever spoken the words is like performing without rehearsing-you're bound to wind up tongue-tied). That's why practicing in front of a mirror is absolute genius, even if it feels awkward initially.

Simply saying dirty phrases-the dirtier the better-out loud helps you see yourself as someone who talks like this. Start with simple compliments and work your way up. Slow and steady, there you have it. 

It's like trying on a new outfit-at first it might feel like dress-up, but eventually it becomes part of your style.

Pro Tip:  Record yourself on your phone (then delete it immediately, obviously) to hear how you sound. Sometimes what feels awkward in your head sounds perfectly natural (and NAUGHTY).

3. Have The Conversation First

Chat about dirty talk when you're not about to get busy. Yes, it’s all about the preproduction. This ensures it doesn't come out of left field and makes sure you're on the same page about what's hot vs. what's not.

You might think it's incredibly sexy to be told you deserve to be punished, while your partner might find that language a complete turnoff. The same goes for specific names-some people get off on being called certain things, while others find these words deeply uncomfortable.

Pro Tip:  Think of this sexcercise as exploring it all together rather than setting rules. "What kind of things do you like to hear?" feels way more fun than "Please provide me with a comprehensive list of your sexual boundaries."

4. Start With Sexting (Before Speaking)

Your texts are a fantastic testing ground for real-life dirty talk. You get time to think through what you want to say, plus it's much lower stakes. You can try something adventurous, and if it doesn't quite work, the biggest risk is getting left on read versus, you know, potentially killing the mood in person. Even better, make it a slow burn. Text them all day long. Firing off flirty messages throughout the day builds this current of taboo eroticism into your regular conversation. Once you have that foundation, it feels completely natural to get filthy in bed too.

Pro Tip:  Don't overthink it. Sometimes a simple "I can't stop thinking about last night" is way hotter than trying to craft the Fifty Shades sequel in your text messages.

5. Make Some Noise (It's Easier Than You Think)

Going from total silence to full seduction mode can feel like a huge leap. Remember: you’re in bed, not a Ferrari. As a stepping stone, just try getting a bit more vocal. That can sound like moaning, sighing, or simply saying "That feels sooooooooooooo good."

You don't have to restrict yourself to moments (or too many o’s) when you actually feel the urge to make a sound-it's totally okay to ham it up a little. Go for that Tony Award. Belt out your pleasure. The words are often less important than the energy you're giving off. Enthusiasm is the name of the game.

So, how do we…dirty talk?

1. Start With the Compliments 

Dirty talk doesn't have to be derogatory-it can absolutely be sexual praise. Compliments are often the easiest way in because most people love hearing good things about themselves. Compliments are also 200% sexy.

Raving about their body or skills in bed feels natural because you're just being more vocal about what you're actually experiencing. If you're giving someone oral sex, saying "You taste incredible" can drive them wild. Try "I love it when you're rough with me" or "I get so turned on when you grip my thighs."

Pro Tip:  Be specific rather than generic. Instead of "you're amazing," try "I love how you know exactly where to touch me" or "you make me feel things I didn't know were possible."

2. Ask The Right Questions

Often, the hottest dirty talk is actually a dialogue between two partners, and questions directly facilitate that flow. (all the flows, if you know what we mean). Start with easy options like "Do you like that?" and "What does that feel like?" As you get more comfortable, you can graduate to "How does my mouth feel?" or "What do you want me to do with my hands?"

You can also use questions to get inspiration for what else to say. Asking "What do you want me to do to you?" encourages your partner to reveal things you can use to drive them even wilder. Keep those notepads ready, you’ll need them.

3. Give Them Directions 

Telling your partner what you want them to do to you doubles as a way to communicate your desires while sounding incredibly sexy. Two birds with one stone. In fact, you can be as direct as you want: "Get your mouth on me," or "I want to feel you deep inside me."

Any version of "do this now" or "bend over" can feel super spicy when delivered with the right tone. The key is saying it with confidence and conviction. And preferably as a sultry whisper in their ear.

Pro Tip: Use your voice to make commands sound seductive rather than demanding. Think bedroom whisper, not drill sergeant.

4. Paint a Picture With Words

Just narrating your experience-how your partner's body looks, feels, tastes, or even sounds-can seriously level up what you're doing. Challenge yourself to get descriptive. Bring out the dictionary. Start quoting Proust. Words like wet, tight, throbbing, hard, warm, soft, and intense are all fair game (okay, maybe not proust). Make it a game (just like we did).

Instead of "that's good," try "that's so intense" or "you feel incredible." Instead of "I like this," try "I love how warm you feel" or "you're so hard for me."

Pro Tip: Channel your inner creative writing student. The more sensory details you include, the more immersive the experience becomes.

5. Try Some Hot Role-Play

Once you're comfortable talking about the sex you're having, you're ready for the advanced level: making stuff up. This is when you get to put on your actor-for-the-night hat and create scenarios that feel hot to both of you.

You might play with dominance and submission, get creative with edging, or set up a fantasy where one person has control over the other. To keep things from feeling more like amateur theater than hot sex, focus on your partner's pleasure when you're coming up with phrases.

Pro Tip: Start with scenarios that feel achievable before you jump into full character creation. Sometimes the hottest fantasy is just "what if we were somewhere we shouldn't be?"-no costumes required.

When Things Get Weird (And How To Roll With It)

One of you could totally put your foot in your mouth, and that's okay. Approach dirty talk with compassion for yourself and your partner. If you get caught in an awkward silence, it's totally okay to laugh it off. Everyone makes mistakes. That's actually an opportunity to bond and connect.

A little bit of cringe or cliché isn't something to worry about. You're not trying to give an Academy Award-winning performance-you're just trying to turn each other on.

Pro Tip: Keep your sense of humor intact. The best sexual experiences happen when both people feel comfortable being a little vulnerable and even a little silly.

The Bottom Line

Talking dirty isn't about becoming a different person-it's about becoming a more vocal, confident version of yourself. It's a skill that improves with practice, and the practice is pretty enjoyable. Whether you're whispering sweet compliments or getting creative with role-play scenarios, the most important ingredient is enthusiasm.

Start small, be patient with yourself, and remember that even the most confident dirty talkers had to start somewhere. At the end of the day, there's no wrong way to express yourself in the bedroom. What matters is creating a safe space where both you and your partner can be authentically yourselves—whether that's sweet and romantic, playfully demanding, or anywhere in between.

The joy is in the journey of discovery, together.

Unless you’re playing all by yourself.

About the author

Author of the most comprehensive dating guide for gay men, Aniruddha Mahale is a columnist who mines his romantic (mis)adventures to write about modern love, sex, and relationships. With bylines in Buzzfeed, GQ Magazine, Homegrown, and Huffington Post, Mahale is currently working on his third novel (when he’s not working on his macro splits).