Couple having an open conversation in bed, symbolizing intimacy and communication

How to Get What You Want in Bed: The Ultimate Guide

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By Growth AcceleratorsJul 17, 2025

Picture this: you're lying there while your partner enthusiastically goes to town on what they think is your sweet spot, but really, they're about as close to hitting the mark as a drunk person trying to walk in a straight line.

You're doing mental gymnastics - Do I fake it? Guide them? Draw them a map? If this scenario sounds familiar, welcome to the club nobody talks about but everyone's secretly a member of. Relax, it doesn’t need to be this difficult. This isn’t Mission Impossible.

Asking for what you want in bed doesn't have to feel like you're delivering a PowerPoint presentation on your pleasure preferences. Sometimes the secret sauce isn't describing exactly what you want them to do, but rather how you want to feel. It's like giving someone directions to your favorite coffee shop by describing the vibe instead of the GPS coordinates.

You can be as broad as "I want to feel more wanted than ever" or as detailed as "I want to feel like my nipples are the center of your universe." The beauty is that this strategy consistently helps people have way more satisfying experiences between the sheets.

Why talking about feelings actually works

Most of us didn't get a PhD in Sexual Communication 101. We're out here winging it like we're assembling a seven-layer chocolate cake without a recipe. The beautiful thing about focusing on feelings is that it's way less intimidating than giving a play-by-play of your ideal bedroom scenario.

Think about it: saying "I want to feel completely desired" hits differently than "Could you please focus more attention on my neck area while simultaneously adjusting your hand placement?" One sounds like pillow talk, and the other sounds like you're coaching a massage therapist.

The feelings approach also sidesteps that whole ego minefield. Nobody wants to accidentally make their partner feel like they've been doing everything wrong since the dawn of time. When you frame it as "Here's how I want to feel," it becomes collaborative rather than corrective. Don’t believe us? The LinkedIn bros would agree.

Pro Tip: Start with broad strokes. "I want to feel like the most irresistible person alive" is a great launching pad that doesn't require a manual.

Close-up of hands gently touching, representing consent and mutual desire

1. First, let's get past the shame

A lot of us have serious hang-ups about expressing our sexual desires. Even if you know exactly what you want, actually saying it out loud can feel scarier than texting your ex at 2 AM (while drunk). This is where the feelings framework becomes your best friend (unlike the bottle of wine you chugged at dinner).

Maybe you want things to get rougher, but asking for it directly makes you feel like you're auditioning for a role in Fifty Shades of Grey.

Instead, try "I want to feel a little powerless" or "I want to feel like you can't control yourself around me." Same destination, different route. This also gives your partner creative license to figure out how to make those feelings happen. They might surprise you with something you never thought to ask for directly.

Pro Tip: Remember that your pleasure isn't a luxury item (unless it’s a sex toy) - it's a fundamental right. You're not being high-maintenance by wanting to enjoy yourself.

Hack the Sack: Your Feelings-Based Script Cheat Sheet

Sometimes you know exactly how you want to feel, but translating that into actual words can be trickier (remember, the seven-layer chocolate cake?). These starter scripts can help you communicate different scenarios without sounding like you're reading from a recipe book:

When they're close but not quite hitting the spot: "I love when you do that, but I want to feel even more intense," or "I want to feel like I'm completely melting under your touch."
When you want to try something new: "I want to feel completely surprised by you tonight," or "I want to feel like we're discovering something together."
When you need them to switch techniques: "I want to feel like you're exploring every inch of me," or "I want to feel like you're reading my body like your favorite book."
When you want more foreplay: "I want to feel like we have all the time in the world," or "I want to feel like you're savoring every moment with me."
When you want things to get rougher: "I want to feel like you can barely control yourself," or "I want to feel completely consumed by you."
When you want more emotional connection: "I want to feel like I'm the only person you've ever wanted this much," or "I want to feel completely seen by you."

The beauty of these phrases is that they provide your partner with a clear emotional target while leaving room for creativity in how they achieve it.

Plus, they sound way sexier than "Could you now very, very move two inches to the left?"

Hack the Sack: Your Feelings-Based Script Cheat Sheet

2. Next, don’t know what you like? Start here.

Most of us learned about sex from depressing questionable Google searches and trial-and-error experiences that would make our moms a scientific researcher weep. Sex education in this country is seriously lacking - we're lucky if we learn how to put a condom on a banana growing up, let alone hear the word "clitoris."

Sex is mostly viewed as this embarrassing thing we shouldn't discuss openly. Plenty of us only figured out how to have an orgasm in some accidental way. (Shoutout to that old flush nozzle for doing god’s work.) When we're unsure or afraid of what we need to receive pleasure, it can be simpler to describe feelings rather than actions.

When you don't have the vocabulary for what you want, feelings become your universal translator (think Duolingo for pleasure). You might not know the technical term, but you know you want to feel cherished, wild, or like you're the star of your own show.

Pro tip: Use this as motivation to get better acquainted with your own body. The more you know what makes you tick, the better you can communicate it.

Next, don’t know what you like? Start here

3. Use this to explore your sexuality

Before you can tell your partner how you want to feel, you have to figure it out yourself. Not only that, you have to learn to feel comfortable with your desires. This might sound obvious, but it's revolutionary for a lot of us.

Give it some real thought: What are the feelings you're craving during sex? How could your partner make those feelings a reality? How could you?

This kind of thought process opens the door for experimentation on your own. Bringing up sexual feelings with your partner nudges it open even further.

When you discuss how you want to feel, you're giving your partner a glimpse into your sexual inner life. This can spark curiosity, leading your partner to ask themselves (and maybe you), "How do I make that happen?" Explaining how you want to feel can evoke excitement and possibility. It's a fantastic method of broadening your sexual horizons.

4. But also, make it a conversation

The magic happens when you ask your partner how they want to feel too. This creates a feedback loop that makes sex better for everyone involved.

When you start these conversations, you're creating a safe space for both of you to be vulnerable about what you want. Plus, when your partner feels heard and desired in the ways they crave, they're usually more motivated to return the favor.

This approach helps you move beyond basic "does this feel good?" check-ins. Instead, you're having conversations about desire, fantasy, and the emotional landscape of your sexual connection.

Having this conversation - and making it ongoing - can be a wonderful step to truly understanding your body, moving past shame, and having the sex life you want. After all, a couple that plays together, slays together.

Pro Tip: Make this an ongoing conversation, not a one-time event. People's desires evolve, and your communication should too.

5. Get what you want (by asking)

Before anyone thinks I'm suggesting you should only speak in feelings and never be direct, let me be clear: sometimes you absolutely need to be specific. The goal isn't to be evasive about what you want to spare someone's ego. As long as everything is consensual, you're entitled to enjoy yourself as much as possible during sex.

If safety is involved, if consent needs to be explicitly discussed (think anal sex or anything involving a massager for men), or if your partner just isn't picking up what you're putting down, clarity becomes crucial. There are times when you'll need to be really clear-cut, either because your partner isn't getting it or because you're interested in trying something that needs extra discussion.

The feelings approach isn't about being evasive - it's about giving yourself another tool in your communication toolkit. Think of it like having both a regular screwdriver and a power drill. Sometimes you need the precision of direct instructions, and sometimes the feelings approach gets the job done more elegantly.

You can also use both approaches together. Start with the feeling you're going for, then get specific about how to achieve it. Using these tactics in tandem can inform your partner of the vibe you want, and then give them a road map to make it happen.

Pro Tip: Trust your instincts about when to be direct. If something isn't working, speak up clearly and kindly.

Couple embracing warmly in a bedroom, showing affection and vulnerability

Bottom line: Your pleasure revolution starts here (for real)

What I want you to take away: your sexual satisfaction isn't a nice-to-have - it's a fundamental right. You deserve to feel amazing in bed, and asking for what you want isn't selfish or demanding. It's necessary.

Whether you're dealing with a partner who's been treating your body like a massage toy when you need something completely different, or you're just tired of mediocre experiences, you have the power to change the game.

Start with how you want to feel, be brave enough to have these conversations, and remember that good partners want you to enjoy yourself as much as they do.

The next time you find yourself wondering whether to speak up or suffer in silence, remember you're not asking for too much. You're asking for exactly what you deserve. And that's the beginning of the sexual revolution you've been waiting for.

Final Pro Tip: Start tonight. Whether it's with a partner or just with yourself, begin exploring what feelings you're craving. Your future self will thank you.